Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm on the Up and Up

It hasn't been a real banner week in the life of me.  Do you ever just have those groups of days where you are up and down and up and down?  Well its been one of those for me.  To the point where I haven't wanted to say anything.  I'm pretty sure my roommates think I am crazy because of an evening on Thursday that started with me coming home after grading papers until 7pm, spilling the leftovers of my breakfast smoothie all over myself while walking into the house, being annoyed with said spilling, running 5 miles to make myself less mad, being annoyed with everyone anyways, complete emotional breakdown, histerical hour long conversation with my mom, and a priesthood blessing.  All before 11pm.  I am talented.


Sometimes life is just hard!  And I am realizing more and more that I am due for some really hard things to happen, and that is okay.  I feel like in the last year my ability to cope with tough situations and things has increased and with that, my probability of experiencing those things has increased. You know what they say-God must really have a sense of humor.


Now I don't say any of these things to be a downer, I have learned a lot in the last week from words from other people, aforementioned priesthood blessing, and some sweet wonderful personal revelation.  It never ceases to amaze me how much my Father in Heaven is aware of my needs and the things I struggle with.  I am so grateful for those wonderful moments.


Last sunday I was getting ready for church-like I normally do- but instead of listening to music, I decided to listen to the Mormon Radio Channel on my phone.  A small decision, probably not that significant in the scheme of things.  One of the comercials they played was one from one of the new 'I am Mormon' campaign bios.  I LOVE THESE!  I secretly want to do something really cool so that I can have one made about me.  One in particular that I have always been a fan of is Stephanie Nielson.  If you know me well you know that I am obsessed with her blog and talking about her.  I think she is so amazing.  I have heard her little ad a thousand times, but last Sunday a particular line stuck out to me more so than ever before. 


She said, 'I am not my body'.  


I know what your thinking, 'What on earth does this have to do with your moody behavior?'  'Why are you such a girl'  and 'What the heck does that even mean?'  


This may not be all that important to you, or even make sense to you in the same way that it struck a chord with me, but I found this to be some of the sweetest words I had heard in a while.  It is no secret that I have struggled my entire life with maintaining a healthy weight and diet.  I am not obese by any means but I have a hard time.  I am up and down and a lot of the time have these overwhelming feelings that 'if I were skinnier I would be married'.  Even typing that out right now makes me want to hit myself because it seems like such a stupid thing to say, but unfortunately that is how it has been.  Lately I feel like I have been loosing so much more than I have been winning in every aspect of my life.  It is sometimes so hard in those moments to feel that I am a loved daughter of God or that anyone could really love me when I have such a hard time loving all of who I am.  


As I heard the words 'I am not my body'  I realized that my worth is not based on my weight or marital status.  I realized that though I struggle, I am still important to my earthly family and my Father in Heaven.


I AM LOVED!!


Maybe not by a husband or a boyfriend, but by family and friends and a Savior who loves and knows me best. Surely he has born MY GRIEF and I need to remember how blessed I have been and continue to be by the Lord.  I have been waiting for the Golden Ticket of Happiness and I have not tried to find happiness in where I am Right now.  


I will never stop hoping, but I need to find beauty and sweetness in the every day life.
(I sometimes think faces/pictures like this are what cause me to still be single...)


I need to be here now.




Up And Up (Acoustic) Lyrics


Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

'Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

'Cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

To be prosperous would not require much of me
You see, contentment is the one thing it entails
To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be
And moving past the past where I have failed

But I'm finally catching on to it and yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I'll be

Oh, 'cause I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up and yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down, I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why, yeah, you're why

I'm on the up and up, I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up, given up on what I know I'm capable of
Yeah, I'm on the up and up, so yeah, there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you