Friday, November 27, 2009

A lot to be thankful for

I'm sitting on a couch with my two best friends watching a movie I have already seen.  And for some odd reason I love it.  Its been a while since we have all been together what with one getting married and the other bouncing in and out of the country.  We all live a half hour apart, and yet it is hard for us to ever get together.  It is so nice to be with familiar people and just feel like we are back in high school hanging out, except instead of a boyfriend on the couch with us it is a husband.  I think I take for granted the fact that we have all been friends this long, even though at some points we have been better friends than others.

This thanksgiving was a good one.  I got to go and spend time with some of my cousins that I don't know very well.  They grew up in Idaho, so we never spent much time together.  It was so much fun to hang out with them and get to know them a bit better.  Their kids are cute and they are just great people.  I'm terrible though and didn't take any pictures while I was there.

Today I woke up and decorated for christmas.  I LOVE this time of year.  It reminds me of how blessed I am.  I was thinking today about my last christmas in the mission.  My companion and I went out caroling with the bishop and his counselor and a few other people from the ward.  We went to almost every single family in the ward and sang to them. I remember not even caring about the presents that had been sent to me and the things we were going to eat the next day.  I cared about those people...who's best present that year was the songs that we were singing.  I sometimes wish I could get back to that point in my life, where I cared more about blessing others than really blessing myself.  I sometimes think that I get there with my calling and what not, but other times I lack...but that's what life is all about though isn't it?  My goal for this season is to just enjoy the fact that I live in a free country, I have a wonderful family, and I have been blessed enough to go to school.  That should be enough for anyone, right?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm going crazy

I have a really hard time being decisive...about anything.  You ask me where I want to eat dinner and I will stress until you give me options.  I will change my shirt three times in the morning and sometimes more...

I've become easily spooked lately by relationship determining situations.  I don't know how much of it is just my recent track record and I don't know how much of it is legitimate worries.  How do you know when concerns are deal breakers and how do you know when you are just being picky.  Am I to blame for my current single situation?  Or am I following real concerns?  What defines a real 'deal breaker'?

I have no clue.

The good news is that Rob Thomas, though kind of a strange man, writes great lyrics.

By Rob Thomas

You can go
you can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by 
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

I don't wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cuz maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Cuz sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

Cuz sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

As You Wish

I watched Princess Bride last night as I madly studied for the Praxis.  I don't think I ever realized how absolutely sarcastic that movie is as a kid.  It is funny how things you love as a kid, can be things you love as an adult for entirely different reasons.  I love that movie.

In other news I am 3 days away from the Praxis.  I am ridiculously nervous about it and don't really know what to do but study.  I just want it to be over.

My roommate and I have started doing an apartment prayer each night.  We have a non member roommate that is taking the missionary discussions and so we thought it would be good to have her participate in things like that so that she can become more familiar with prayer and the Book of Mormon.  We each read two verses, discuss it, and then kneel in prayer.  It is slightly inconvenient to have to come back to my apartment every night at 10, but I am glad we are doing it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Saints and Songs, Pioneers and Pilgrimages

Last night I had a night class that let me out at a little before nine o'clock.  I left class with a few friends but one by one we parted our separate ways.  I was parked at the Marriot Center and I was coming from the McKay Building so I had quite the walk.  As I strolled, rather non-chalantly, the bell tower rang the familiar chime, 'Come Come Ye Saints' signifying the arrival of nine p.m.  As I continued to walk to my car, I started to hum the tune to myself, and then, like normal, began to sing the words quietly.  There were no cars on the road, no one around, and suddenly the power of that hymn and its application to MY life struck me.  I always think of the pioneers when I sing that song, but at this moment, it wasn't about the plains, or the persecution.  It was about my own personal pilgrimage, my own struggles, and the promises that the Lord has in store for me.

Come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear
But with joy wend your way.

I could hear Heavenly Father beaconing me to carry on, through the hard steps, the unexpected turns and the hard work.  I knew that he wanted me to be happy, that this was all part of His plan.

Though hard to you, this journey may appear
Grace shall be as your day.

I knew it wasn't supposed to be easy.  I knew that the tough decisions and experiences that I have faced especially in the last few years were all with purpose and that eventually grace would supply a way for all His promises to be completed.

Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive
Do this and JOY your hearts will swell,
All is well!  All is well!

Its been rough, I have felt like I couldn't go on.  But yesterday, Heavenly Father reminded me that I am his daughter, He loves me, and the things that are for my good will come to me. In HIS due time, and on HIS schedule.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Its been a week or two, but that is pretty normal for me I suppose.

The weather has been so strange lately.  It will be warm, and then cold, spring and then fall.  I feel like Utah just can't decide what it wants to be.

I am learning a lot lately about myself.  I started a little program with myself that I think I might present to the sisters in my ward to see how it works.  It actually was inspired by my little sister's ward, but it is called 100% for 100 days.  Basically, I want to be more consistent.  Its not that I don't read my scriptures, its not that I don't pray, its just that I don't do it faithfully every day.  So my goal is to make it 100 days without missing a day. TOUGH!  At least for me, but it has been a good experience.  I am finishing up both the New Testament and the Book of Mormon right now and I am learning a lot and it is so nice to have that constant contact with the scriptures.  I think Elder Bednar said it best in last month's general conference when he said, 'Publicly declaring testimony when faithfulness and obedience are missing within our own homes is hypocrisy—and undermines the foundation of a great work. The commandment “Thou shalt not bear false witness” (Exodus 20:16) applies most pointedly to the hypocrite in each of us. We need to be and become more consistent. “But be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).
As we seek the Lord’s help and in His strength, we can gradually reduce the disparity between what we say and what we do, between expressing love and consistently showing it, and between bearing testimony and steadfastly living it. We can become more diligent and concerned at home as we are more faithful in learning, living, and loving the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.'

My friend Scott does a Charity Photo shoot every year.  You go, he takes pictures, you pay him, he give the money to charity.  I always say that I'm GOING to do it, but then I never do, but this year, it happened to fall on a day that I really needed to feel good about myself.  So I got dressed up and headed up Little Cotton Wood Canyon.  These are some of my favorites, but the whole shoot is on my facebook album.  It was so fun to do.

This is probably my favorite.  I look a lot like my mom in this picture.

This one makes me laugh because I make that face ALL the time

The someday look...only a few of you will know what that means.

I wish I had someplace to put this picture...but it'd be weird to put pictures of myself on the wall

Love love love this one

But this one might be my favorite.

I have been listening to the Format a lot lately.  I am secretly obsessed with them, but this morning I heard this song and it made me think.  Here are some lyrics to ponder.

On Your Porch
by The Format

I was on your porch,
The smoke sank into my skin,
So I came inside to be with you,
We talked all night,
About everything you could imagine,
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone,
And as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you and I let you know,
That I love you.

Well, my dad was sick,
My mom she cared for him,
Her loving nursed him back to life,
And me, I ran, I couldn't even look at him,
For fear I'd have to say goodbye,
And as I start to leave,
He grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me,
"Whats left to lose? You've done enough,
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years,
I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if its alone."

So now here I sit,
In a hotel off of Sunset
My thoughts bounce off Sam's guitar,
And thats the way its been,
Ever since we were kids, but now,
Now, we've got something to prove,
And I, I can see their eyes,
Then tell me something, can they see mine?
'Cause whats left to lose?
I've done enough,
And if I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot,
'Cause these last three years I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if it's alone,
(Even if it's alone)
Even if it's alone.

I was on your porch last night,
The smoke, it sank into my skin.

Thanksgiving is coming...and then Christmas!