So this has been the week of big little changes for me. A few months back I talked about doing my student teaching in D.C. I was all set up to go, all excited to go...I even had my first day of school outfit picked out. (A little premature you say? Well...you're probably right but a girl has to get excited about something okay.) A few days ago I get an email stating that I would not be able to do my TELL (Teaching English Language Learners) practicum (mini student teaching) in D.C. and was I aware of that and would I be doing it in Utah next winter. Um. No. That was not my plan. So I start making phone calls and sending emails and come to find out that, basically, BYU hates me....
Okay they don't hate me but they do not want to budge on this one. I was pretty upset. I came home and went to a friend of mine's apartment to vent. This is about how this went down.
(embrace for a long period of time because he gives good hugs)
ME:I can't go to D.C.
Alex: I'm sorry. That sucks
ME: I am so mad right now
Roommate 1: Maybe this is God telling you you aren't supposed to go.
ME: You are not helping
Alex: Yeah I think he may be on to something.
Me: You are not helping
Roommate 2: Yeah, look at it this way, you made a decision and Heavenly Father is basically telling you its the wrong one!
ME: You guys suck. Don't play the God card. I want to be upset.
Alex: We are just sayin, you have options.
So I have been weighing out my options. I can go to Houston, do my student teaching and my TELL practicum at the same time no problem. But Houston just doesn't sound as exciting as D.C. and it wasn't the plan. I talked to the coordinators today and they said it wouldn't be a problem to switch to Houston, but I don't know that I really want to go there. The upside to going there is that there are a lot of jobs for teachers there and they start you at $45,000 a year...which is pretty good for a teacher right out of college. Student teaching there would be good because it would give me a sense of what Texas was all about without committing me to teaching there for life.
Or I could stay in Utah. Which I discovered, much to my own shock, is what I consider a cowardly move today. I said it out loud and realized that that is my big stigma with staying here. Because me staying here is me having no faith. Its the part of me that says, 'You can't leave Utah, you aren't married!' Its the part of me that my parents agree with and the part of me that I hate the most. Perfectly mormon people get married out of Utah all the time. I don't need to stay here...do I?
I can't help but think, and shame on me for thinking this, that this would all be so much easier if I had a husband who's life could help scaffold mine. I know I know, not this again. But honestly, when you have a teaching degree and no husband going to school or working or whatever, when you graduate you can LITERALLY go almost anywhere. And if you haven't noticed, the U.S. is kind of gynormous.
So where do I go?? How do you choose when both options are good and neither are inherently 'wrong'?
"In life ALL must choose at times. Sometimes, two possibilities are good; neither is evil. Usually however, one is of greater import than the other. When in doubt, each must choose that which concerns the good of others-the greater law- rather than that which chiefly benefits ourselves- the lesser law. The greater must be chosen, whether it be law or thing..." - Elder John A. Widtsoe