¡¡¡¡DISCLAIMER!!!! This is quite the serious post, you have been warned.
If you had told me at 18 years old that I would graduate from college and move to Houston, Texas and become a Spanish teacher, I would have laughed in your face. My two years of high school Spanish had basically taught me to count to one hundred, getting a big confused at around sixty, and label every color and school item in the classroom-very useful for a conversation about the weather or politics. If you would have told me that I would serve a mission, graduate from college and start my teaching career with no impending marriage on the horizon, I would have wondered why life was even worth living.
And yet here I am.
I woke up this morning with a strong desire to write a book. The sad part is the only thing I could think about was starting with what I did this morning and documenting the life of a single mormon girl. I think John Bytheway said it best when he described marriage as a duet and then being single was like trying to sing it by yourself. Everyone stands around you and wonders why you can't do it, laughs at you even saying, what is wrong with you? Just sing the notes that are written, but one person can't possibly do it, so it is pointless to try. That's how i felt- how I FEEL sometimes.
I am not depressed or unhappy, I am so glad I am where I am doing what I'm doing. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but I guess that is the scariest part of all. Thinking that maybe this is the plan, this is my potential and that I will never be anything more than a teacher, wishing to be a mother instead of the other way around.
I don't know where you are, or if you are even out there, but I want you to know that what you see is what you get. I cannot be someone that I am not, but I am trying to be better. But there are some things you really should know.
I will always be the girl who thinks her sisters are her only true friends, who idolizes her younger brother and loves her older brother more than he will ever really see. I will forever be the girl who calls her dad just because she misses him, but will always make up some question about the car just so she can talk to him for a minute. I will never stop being the girl who can talk to her mom for hours about things that she doesnt' really care about, just because her mom will always be the most entertaining person she will ever know. I will always curse when I'm angry and limit my crying to the shower because I don't want people to hear me. I will forever listen to my music too loud and set seven alarms for various times about an hour before I actually HAVE to get up, because it takes me that long to get out of bed. I will be the girl who secretly wants to give talks in sacrament meeting, who wants to play your guitar, but will never tell you that while we are sitting at a campfire. I will always be the girl who laughs too loud and cries too long, who sneezes three times every time and quotes movies like she saw them just yesterday. I will always love fictional characters and compare every guy I meet to Lloyd Dobler.
That is me. And if you never come, I will understand and be okay with it. I cannot change who I am for someone else, and though I am always trying to be better, there are things I just don't want to change
Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed. Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 That's all I can do, and I'll keep praying that you are as patient as I need you to be, as funny as I hope you are, and as willing to work as I hope I am.
P.S. I cheat at solitaire.